Guest Story: Erin's Date Needs a 12-Step Program!

I have asked readers to contribute their crazy stories to be featured on the Sweeten the Deal blog. This is Erin's.  Please enjoy:  If you have a crazy dating story, please send it to me on the contact form on the blog here or email me at elizabeth@sweetenthedeal.com

Started talking to a man online. Single patent meet. Dropped my 2 daughters at concert and met him at a restaurant. He asked me to walk in and hug him so would not alert others first date. I walked in leaned into him and repelled. He smelled of smoke!! Ew. He said he made it very clear on website he smoked. He did not. He proceeded to tell me of his cocaine addiction and drank 5 scotch drinks I walked out he followed me and fell on cobblestone. I raced away only to realize I had gotten a parking ticket. He contacted me in am unaware of his behavior Can't make this up 

Please visit http://www.sweetenthedeal.com/contact.html to tell me your craziest dating story.  It may appear on this blog!  

The Biggest Mistake People Make When Dating after Divorce

When I began dating again after my divorce, I got the reputation for being the “one date wonder.”  I had several friends who told me I was too picky or that my standards were too high.  Several women friends mentioned that everyone has issues and you just have to learn to live with them.  And you know what I say to that?  Bull. 

I am not saying that we all don’t have issues.  We do.  We, as divorced people, have been through an experience that has had some impact on the way we view dating and relationships.  What I am saying, is that you do not have to suffer a terrible relationship because you believe there is nothing better.  Having some issues or after-effects from a divorce is one thing.  Being dysfunctional, mean or immoral is something else.  And you know what?  Being alone is better than accepting any of that. 

Many of my friends who thought my goals were too lofty routinely spent years in relationships that made them unhappy.  One friend’s boyfriend called her child a “little shit” to his face.  One friend’s boyfriend berated her son for bringing him the wrong drink.  They stayed with them for years after giving the excuse “He was just frustrated.”  “It was just a bad day.”  For me, there is no excuse for this behavior.  These are Big Red Flags that should become deal breakers…after one time.  One friend had a boyfriend who never showed affection.  One friend told me he knew his girlfriend was bad for him, but he just couldn’t quit going back for fear of loneliness. And that, I think, is the crux of excusing the Big Red Flag behaviors – loneliness.  And that is the biggest mistake people make after divorce – holding on is better than being alone.

I don’t think anyone, for the most part, wants to be alone.  But it should not be something to fear.  How terrible would it be to have fear driving your life rather than desire?  Fear of being alone, fear that there are no good ones left, fear of being judged for being alone?  For me, this lesson, letting go of fear, came directly from my divorce.  I never in my life wanted to go through something like that again (who does, right?).  I know that you can’t control the outcome of everything in life, but I was going to make sure that I made the best decisions I possibly could.  I went through the normal grief, defeat and insecurity of divorce, but on the other side of healing came empowerment.  It is kind of fun to feel like you are in control.  You decide what you want and how to get it.  You decide what you are willing to accept and what you are not.  You are empowered with the ability to decide not to settle for anything less than what you deserve. 

If you accept the mantra I used when I was dating, that being alone for the rest of my life is better than being with the wrong person (and this mantra evolved over the course of my healing from my divorce), then you eliminate the temptation to accept less than what you want.  Being alone is okay.  It is not always fun.  It is not always easy.  But accepting the possibility that being alone can still mean being happy, takes the pressure off of having to meet someone or stay with someone you know is not for you.  If you do not feel that you can be alone and be happy, then really, you are not ready to date.  You are still in a position where you are relying on someone else to make you happy, and we all know that only you can make you happy. 

Once you reach the point of accepting that you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than be with the wrong person, my other mantra comes into play – your deal breakers must actually break your deal.  This is a biggy.  For this to work, you must identify your deal breakers.  Some behaviors are acceptable or up for negotiation, but some are unacceptable.    When you see something that you know is a deal breaker, then break the deal.  Anything else is unfair to you and to your significant other. 

Do not be afraid to have standards.  Do not be afraid to be alone.  Once you are released from that fear, you are liberated.  You are happy no matter your relationships status, so repeat after me:

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.  

Please visit http://www.sweetenthedeal.com/buy-book.html if you want more advice like this.

Why My Divorce Helped My Dreams Come True

I have learned a lot in my 43 years.  More than I really thought I needed to learn.  I learned that people are not always who they seem.  I learned that people who are supposed to love you can hurt you the most.  I learned that when you try to do all of the right things, things still go wrong.  I learned that when everything goes wrong at once, you just have to hold on for dear life.  I learned that perspective is a beautiful thing.  I learned to trust myself.  I learned that doing the right thing may not get you what you want, but you will be able to look in the mirror.  I learned that I, and only I, am responsible for my happiness.  And most of all I have learned who I am and what I am capable of doing.

Many of these lessons came from my divorce and the ensuing hell that followed.  I will not go into specifics for the sake of my children, however, I was with the wrong person.  I was with someone who was not who he had claimed to be for the entirety of our marriage.  After ten years, the mask came off.  About the same time, my youngest son began having seizures.  On the hour, every hour for two weeks and then once a month for a year. 

That exact period of time during the divorce and the seizures was the single most difficult time I had ever experienced.  Life felt like everything was falling apart at once.  Looking back, the seizures couldn’t have been predicted, but the years that led up to this moment telegraphed the end of my marriage.  I was with someone who tore me down rather than built me up.  I was with someone who minimized my goals and dreams while he went to law school and followed his.   I was with someone who wore me out needing validation while offering the opposite of that to me. 

Finally, I was with someone who was ambivalent about my writing.  The response was always, “Eh, it’s okay.” I was told that I couldn’t write a book or make a living writing at all.  I was discouraged from following my path.  It was generally a subtle blow off, a disregard for what I thought and felt, but over time it seeped in and infiltrated my life. 

The fact that I listened to this discouragement is my responsibility, but I think a lot of people, when told over and over how inadequate they are, begin to internalize some of this thinking.  It’s almost funny to me because I am generally not someone to suffer a crisis of confidence, but life was busy.  We had three kids in 4 years.  He was in law school and studying for the bar exam.  I just put my priorities aside and when I received negative feedback, it was easier to keep them aside. 

Believe it or not, the thing that woke me up in my life was my son’s seizures.  As I said, perspective is a beautiful thing.  And with his condition, came an immediate shift from the difficulty of my divorce to getting this 2-year old child well.  And after that, being able to take care of my children.  And after that, regaining my confidence and happiness. 

The evolution for me occurred over the next eight years.  My kids and I had to move in with my parents for a while until my son’s seizures were controlled (he is now, 10 years later, seizure free and has been released from his neurologist).  I got a job.  I healed.  It was no easy task.  When things settled down I realized that my own path had gotten derailed.  With my divorce came freedom to rediscover my dreams and reevaluate what a good relationship should be.  I worked on becoming a whole person by myself so that my path would be strong with or without a partner. 

When I began online dating, I had one crazy date after the other…married guy, criminal guy, toothless guys…who knew this was in store for me!  I learned how to date (especially having kids to think of), what I wanted and how to get it.

My friends began telling me I needed to write these dates down.  So, I began a blog.  It was originally called You Can’t Make This Shit Up.  I chronicled all of my funny and horrifying dates for everyone to read, and began writing again.  After about five years, the online quest finally met its demise when I met my now husband.  My husband is supportive, caring and encouraging.  He met me when I had learned that I could be happy on my own, when I knew what I wanted and when I was ready to go after it. 

With his support and encouragement, I turned my blog into a book.  I added in all of the dating lessons I learned during some hard and crazy times.  I began working as a freelance writer while working to promote my book.  I am helping to support my family as a writer, and I am happy and whole.  The book will be released on April 1, 2015 and is now called Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating.  My first book signing is scheduled, my family will be there.   I am excited and ready for the next adventure!  Onward!

Please visit my website to find out more: sweetenthedeal.com

The Pushy Guy

Category 1: Too much too fast

Category 2: Those who think they are always right

Dating Tip: Do not ever be pushed into doing something your gut tells you not to do.

Dating the second time around is not for the weak of heart. There are so many factors in play that sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. You have to be over your divorce. You have to find a date. You have to figure out how to schedule around your kids. And then you have to figure out if you like this person enough to go out again. It's a job. If you have great planning skills, emotional stability and keen observation skills, you may be ready to embark. The Pushy Guy's story can help you identify a very common, but often subtle Big Red Flag.

I met this guy online. He seemed normal. He had a job, had a kid and was on decent terms with his ex-wife (or so he said...this is always a gray area until you witness these "good terms"). We moved from email to texting to phone calls pretty quickly. When we talked, he was light hearted and fun and talked about his son a lot. When you have kids, a man who is devoted to his own is a definite must.

We set up a coffee date during the lunch hour one day, and it was good. He was very pleasant to be around. He asked me questions about my life, and he talked about everything from his job to his parents and was very obviously involved with his second grade son. Yea! A good date! Good dates had been few and far between the previous couple of months, you know, with the Married Guy and The Criminal, so I was feeling optimistic for the next date.

Scheduling the next date was a bit difficult because we were on opposite kid weekends and I was teaching ballet in the evenings. He decided that it would be fun to meet up during the day at the park with my two younger sons who were not yet in school. They were 3 and 5 at the time. I put him off because I had a policy of not introducing men to my kids unless there was a good reason. For me, a good reason would be the evolution of a long-term relationship. I was big on avoiding the revolving door syndrome.

At first he took my position in stride, but over the next few conversations he became more and more insistent.

"It'll be fine," he said. "Just introduce me as your friend."

I don't know about his son, but this little comment grossly underestimated the perception of my kids. I knew they wouldn't buy that for a minute. I continued to put him off and he continued to insist.

"It's no big deal. It'll be fine. I won't even give you a hug to say hello."

Finally, against my better judgment, I agreed. And I knew I was not comfortable even at that moment. It is one of those experiences where you look back at yourself from your older and wiser perch and wonder why the heck you let someone influence you away from your conviction.

"Well, okay." I said. "As long as you do not hug me or act like this is a date in front of them."

"Of course!" he said.

Big Red Flag

I loaded up the kids to go to the park. His son was in school which was a bummer, because having him there would have felt more like a play date. I got to the park, and saw him by the monkey bars. As we approached, my younger son ran to play in the sand. He walked up to my other son and me and lo and behold, he hugged me. And he hugged me for more than the split second, friendly hug. It was like he was making a point. A point I did not appreciate.

When sat down on a bench I sat at the far end from him feeling very put off and feeling a bit betrayed by his pointed hug. I directed the older son to go play. He did for a minute, and then was back in a flash. He sat between us and began a soliloquy.

"My dad likes to come to this park. He's at work now, but he brings us here all the time. We like to bring a football and play catch. And my brother can catch pretty good, but I'm good, too. My dad also likes Legos. We play Legos a lot and Rescue Heroes. He's always the fireman and I and the policeman."

It went on and on. I just watched my son talk and when I looked up at the guy, he seemed to finally believe me when I told him that the kids were smarter than he thought. I sent Mr. Chatterbox off to play again.

"Okay. I get it. I see what you mean," he said.

"You should have listened to me," I said. "I know my kids."

I ended the date not long after that. I went home angry. I was not just angry with him for being pushy and not respecting my feelings about it (which is an indication of a controlling personality), but I was angry with myself for buckling. I did not want him to meet my kids, and I folded. I think most parents beat themselves up when they make mistakes with parenting, and I was no exception. I was learning how to date after a ten-year marriage, and I was learning how to date with kids. And this was a good lesson to learn early - stick to your guns and heed the Big Red Flags. They are there for a reason.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book, "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating," to be released April 1, 2015!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth

The "I Gave Myself a Nickname" Guy

I online dated for a long time. A really long time. And I learned a lot. I have decided to share some stories with you about some of my experiences so that you can learn how to spot and avoid the Big Red Flags in online dating. I have found that the best way to do this is just to tell my stories. So here we go!
Category 1: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
Category 2: I Gave Myself a Nickname

Dating Tip 1: When a guy turns out to be in the Liar, Liar Pants on Fire Category, run. This does not need explanation.

Dating Tip 2: If a guy uses a pseudonym, there is probably a reason for it. Run.

This guy contacted me through an online dating site. His profile was well written, and he seemed to have his act together. He seemed normal. He was an attorney, new to town and looking to meet new people. He was 45 years old and nice looking according to his profile photo. All signs pointed to responding.

After I wrote him back, he called right away. I always think this is a good sign. There are so many men who languish in the world of email communication. They will write and check in and maybe even text, but they never make that leap into the phone call. This is a sign that they are actually not ready to date and are testing the waters, that they bored and need someone to talk to but don't want to leave their houses or that they have something to hide and are not the person they have led you to think they are. If you don't get a call early on, drop it. Statistical loss.

So back to "Nickname Guy." We spoke on the phone a few times and set a date for the weekend. Following my own rules, I met him out (no pickup at my house), went to a busy restaurant (public places are a must) and I let me friend know where I was and who I was with (in case they needed to find the body...a joke! Well, kind of). We met at a fun restaurant/bar. He was on time and looked like his profile. This is a plus because that is not always the case, and that is the worst kind of surprise. 

When we sat down, he said, "Order whatever you want. Don't worry about the price. I've got it." Well, thanks for letting me know you will pay for the date, but huh. This felt borderline tacky. Was this a bragging line? Money is no object, little missy? It felt a little like that, but I decided to chalk it up to an awkward moment and move on.

BIG RED FLAG

He asked me all about Pensacola since he was new to the area. He told me about his hometown of Boston. At some point he began to refer to some things in his life that were outside my frame of reference. He mentioned watching baseball games as an adult in 1980. In 1980, I was 9. I asked him how old he was. I knew that his profile said he was 45.

"Well," he said. "I am a little older than my profile says."

"How much older?"

"I'm 51."

At this time, I was 35. The fact that I thought he was 45 put him at the top end of my range. I wanted to stay within ten years plus or minus at the most. Sixteen years! Ugh. That is more than a little white lie. He went one to explain that he changed his age because when he put the correct age, he was only getting interest from middle aged women who looked old and tired. He was just more attracted to younger women and didn't want someone his age.

I asked him if he thought that was fair to the women. Because after you have dated for long enough, you learn to ask these things outright.

"Well, once they get to know me and know that I am active and have money, they will not have a problem with it." 
Internal Scream.

"Well, I think that the women will probably not be happy with the misrepresentation, and you are kind of taking the choice out of their hands about what they are looking for," I pointed out.

He didn't get it. And it didn't matter. My goal now was to politely get through the dinner and make my exit. This was easier said than done. He kept talking. And talking and talking and talking.

BIG RED FLAG

At some point he lowered the boom.

"You can call me by my nickname if you want."

This sounds relatively normal if your name is "Anthony" and people call you "Tony." Not the case. I can't even remember his name because the nickname has overtaken my memory, but it was a normal, American name. It might have even been Tony.

"My nickname is Vlad."

"Where does Vlad come from?" this question was begged.

"No where in particular. I just like it. It sounds cool and tough. I like to be a little intimidating."
"Who started calling you that," I asked.

"Me. I just tell people to call me that. Sometimes I don't tell them my real name until I get to know them. But you seemed trustworthy."

This is not remotely normal. Get me out of here. "Vlad?" For an Italian Bostonian? When people do not give you their real name...what are they trying to hide? Even if I was determined to be "trustworthy" this is a creepy habit. And manipulative. Like you have to pass some undisclosed test to know his real name...or his nickname...I am confused. He continued talking without even noticing the horror on my face. About ten minutes later, without even thinking about it, I found myself standing up, announcing, "I have to go. I have to go now."

He was a little perplexed at my sudden departure, but allowed me to thank him for dinner. I was out the door before he could graciously pay the bill and walk me out.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book, "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating," to be released April 1, 2015!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth

How to Have the Right Attitude When Online Dating

Online dating can be fun or it can be hell. You start talking to someone who seems normal (fun) and begin to think something great could happen. And then aBig Red Flag rears its ugly head (hell) and you plummet, resigned to another bad experience, another rejection, another "why me?" moment. Some people even ask "What did I do to deserve this? Is there something wrong with me?" I have seen it over and over. Highs and lows that start you off excited and happy and leave you tired and discouraged. Who wants that? No one.

So what do you do? You certainly can't change the experiences or predict them. You can stop dating (I have seen people do just that), but that is really self-defeating if you are ready for a relationship. After online dating for five years, I have some advice. It's all about your attitude. When emotions are involved, taking the right attitude isn't always easy, but the goal is to have a dating experience that does not ding your self-esteem and does not take you on an emotional roller coaster.

There are three basic attitudes that people tend to adopt when dating (online or otherwise). There is the "he's the one" mentality, the "I'm sure he sucks' mentality and the "one-step at a time" philosophy.

He's the One (or she, but I am a girl and write from my perspective)

So many people read a great profile with a nice picture and get really excited. That can be the launching point into too much too fast. If texting and phone calls go well, they go full bore into high hopes and high expectations and even the "maybe he's the one" line of thinking. This is a setup for failure on a couple of levels. First, when you place such high expectations on a first date (or even second or third date) your date feels that pressure. It will drive him away. He can't possibly meet those expectations. Secondly, if he turns out not to be "the one," and statistically that is most likely the case, you are left feeling disappointed and disillusioned.

The fact is, the only expectation you should have on a first date (or second or third) is that you will find out if you want another date. That is it. Period. And if you do not want another date, then you are not a match. He does not want another date, you are not a match. This early in the game, that is the extent of the investment.

I'm Sure He Sucks

This attitude comes when you have experienced your share of bad dates. And haven't we all? The thing is, when you have this attitude, it is telegraphed to your date. You can't hide it, so don't think you can. And no date wants to be with someone who assumes he is the worst representation of his gender. He should not have to pay for the failures of your past relationships. Chances are, if you have this attitude, you may still have some anger over a previous bad relationship. Take a moment and evaluate. If you are still angry over your past, then you are not ready to date. Take some time and work on resolving your anger before you go forward. It's worth it, believe me.

One Step At-a-Time

This is the attitude you need when dating. When you realize that your only investment in the very early stages of dating is to find out if you want another date, your dating life becomes easier. Like I said, if you don't want another date, then you are not a good fit. If he doesn't want another date, you are not a good fit. This is not a condemnation of either of you. It is not a rejection of you as a person, it is acknowledgement that you don't match. It is perfectly okay not to be a good fit for someone. Wouldn't you rather know early?

If you have a good time and things look promising, go on another date. See what happens. Relationships should grow slowly and naturally and your expectations should grow the same way. You cannot know someone in a week or a month. And if one of you backs off, be thankful that you are not with someone who is not right for you. If you look at every dating experience that doesn't work out as rejection or validation of your crappy dating life, you will be miserable. If you look at each dating experience as a learning experience and a step on your journey, you can put it in perspective and enjoy the process.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid Big Red Flags in Online Dating" to be released April 1, 2015!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/big_red_flag

The Way Out

In all of my experiences with bad dates after my divorce, I have realized that one of the hardest things to do is to let someone know that you are not interested in seeing them again, especially if they want to see you. I have friends who will actually accept multiple dates in order not to have to "hurt someone's feelings." I know some people who think that everyone has "issues" and you have to learn to work with what you've got. I am of the mind that if you see a trait that is a deal breaker for you, the deal breaker must actually break the deal.

Shall I say it again? Because this is really important.

The deal breaker must actually break the deal.

To me there is no more dishonest way to lead someone on than to allow him to believe that you are interested when you are not. How would you feel if someone went out with you, not because he liked you, but because he didn't want to hurt your feelings? I'll tell you how you would feel -- pathetic! No one wants that.

I guess this thought process is how I became known as the one-date-wonder to many of my friends. I was good at spotting qualities in a guy that I knew were not for me. Some were obvious ("The Criminal," "Sweeten the Deal," ). Some were less obvious such as people who lacked a sense of humor or the ability to understand sarcasm. The key is to know your own mind and what you do and do not want.

The ability to recognize my deal breakers (because I did actually learn something from my divorce and subsequent dating) prompted the problem of learning how to let someone know that I didn't want another date. I had to find a way of saying it that was benign and kind, but definitely got the message across.

Let me introduce you to my handy little way out.

"Thank you so much for a nice date. I really enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we are a good fit."

Perfect, right? Early in an online/phone/texting/dating relationship, there is no reason to go into any detail about why you don't want to go out. At this point, all you owe anyone is that the status of your interest has changed. Most people will accept this as a way out. Some will ask for reasons or details about what you are thinking. Do not succumb to the temptation to spill your guts. Making a list of flaws only serves to hurt and belittle. The fact is, just because this person may not be right for you, does not mean he isn't right for someone else. If we all learned to take the fact that someone doesn't want to date us as a decision that we are not compatible rather than a personal affront, then our self-esteem would be in such better shape!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth