Self-Awareness: A Powerful Tool for Change

            Self-awareness.  Simple concept.  Challenging accomplishment.  As much as it seems like we should all be able to assess our actions, an astonishing number of people go through life and relationships without any idea how their own behavior can impact their decisions, relationships and ultimately, their happiness. 

            I have written several articles that address those things in life that can hold you back from relationships.  From deciding to be or not to be a victim to deciding to settle or not to settle, I have tried to highlight decisions that we all have control over.  After all, we all know that the only behavior we can control is our own.  The problem arises when our self-awareness is low.  In my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I identify it as “those who fail to embrace their own reality.” 

We all know the person who thinks that every bad thing that has happened is someone else’s fault, and, really, someone else’s responsibility.  And do you know the person who is willing to date anyone to avoid being alone?  Yes, you do.  And what about the exhausting friend who continues to participate in old relationships that are supposedly “over” but by the continual communication with these “over” relationship-people and the subsequent regurgitation of the trauma of these “done” relationships, it is obviously not OVER!  The ones who have BIG GLARING RED FLAGS in their relationships are the most frustrating…how can you not see what the rest of us see?  Help!

But what about ourselves?  How often do we take the time to look honestly at our own behavior and decide if we are getting in our own way?  Probably not enough.  I mean, that’s not fun.  And once we become aware that we are getting in our own way, we actually have to change!  Ugh!  Again, not fun!

So here are some questions to help you start your quest toward self-awareness and your effort to embrace your own reality.

1.       Are you unable to spend time alone and feel a need to fill every minute of your time?

2.      If you are not dating someone, do you feel inadequate or like a failure?

3.      Are you generally angry in your life?

4.      Do you find yourself blaming other people when something goes wrong?

5.      Do you feel helpless to change your situation in life?

6.      Do you continue to communicate with past relationships?

7.      Do you find yourself stalking former relationships on social media?

8.     Do you overlook flaws in a date/relationship that make you uncomfortable?

9.      Do your friends tell you that your date/relationship is unhealthy for you?

10.  Do you agonize over your current situation and look back to figure out whose fault it is?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you may need a little self-reflection.  When you are aware that you may sabotage your relationships with behavior you can control, it is time to take a break and figure out what is driving your behavior and work on it.  If your fear of being alone or willingness to overlook deal breakers is driven by insecurity, that will require some work.  Insecurity should not be a driving force in any relationship.  If you react to situations in anger, especially misdirected anger, then you need to accept your life as it is now.  Take responsibility for your future and release the blame of wrongs past.  It only hurts you and your family.  Whatever the reason for self-sabotage, until you become aware of it, you can’t stop it.  When you acknowledge it and in turn, embrace it, you become empowered to know what you want and make the good choices that will lead you to it!  Not easy.  But definitely doable!

Show Up

One of my biggest fears in life was not that my dreams would go unfulfilled, but that I would allow myself to let life go by without fully pursuing them.  I could accept that I may not achieve every goal that I set, but I was determined to make sure that I showed up for my own dreams – and that I showed up prepared. 

As women, mothers, wives, employees or business owners, we often find ourselves caught up in the busy tasks of daily life.  We often prioritize the needs of others thinking, “I’ll get to it when I have time” with regard to our own goals.  And weeks, months and years go by. 

When I was married and young, I allowed the marginalization of my writing by my husband (who is no longer my husband) to quell my confidence and desire to write.  I allowed someone else to alter my path.  I think many of us do this, especially when we are young and stupid.  As we began to have children, I prioritized them, while trying to manage a marriage that was changing who I was.  I began to feel like someone I didn’t know and I lost the path to my dreams.

Once my marriage ended, I took time to heal.  It took a long time as my youngest son developed epilepsy and there were times when having the boys clean and fed and healthy were the only goals on my list.  I lived for quite a while in survival mode. 

As I evaluated my life and my marriage, I became fearful of continuing to let so much time go by thinking that I would eventually find time to pursue my dreams.  What if I never took the time and life just passed me by?

I began to blog.  I started with one about my kids, and then another about my struggles.  As I began to online date, my friends told me my dating stories were so crazy that I had to write them down.  So I did.  I became very intentional about writing consistently.  I rediscovered my dream of getting published.  I started marketing with social media and talking about it to anyone who would listen.  I eventually began blogging for Huffington Post. 

I discovered I had learned a lot in my life through my experiences and I had a lot to say.  I began writing about divorce, blended families, parenting and divorced dads.  I began asking my professional friends about writing for their business’s websites.  I began doing freelance commercial writing and actually had good clients who liked my work.  I put my dating blog into book form and began to pursue a publisher.    

I also began volunteering…a lot.  I wrote a script for a local pageant. I joined a political campaign as a writer.  I managed a website for my son’s lacrosse team.  Sometimes I didn’t know which way was up!  My mind was spinning with so many things I wanted to write about.  So many times I wondered if I needed to stop and form a more linear plan.  Should I focus on only one thing at a time?  Was any of this going to benefit my dream of getting published?  Whenever I began to wonder these things, I decided to just keep my head down and keep on going. 

I said “yes” to any opportunity, and many of them didn’t pay.  When I was asked to write the script for a local pageant, I debated doing it.  I didn’t have a child participating, but it was with a business associate and I wanted to develop that relationship outside of work.  It turned out that my business associate and her family really believed in investing in the young women in our community through this pageant, and I became invested in the program.  Little did I know that when I wrote the bio for the man who judged the participants’ essays, he would ask me about my writing.  And he would have a publishing company.  And a week later, he would offer to publish my book.  And two months later, he would agree to work with my sister and me on our children’s book. 

My book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online dating was released April 1, 2015.   It’s a humorous chronical of my crazy dating stories that interjects lessons I learned and advice for dating.  Who knows how commercially successful it will be, but it fulfills one of my dreams.  I have a book with my name on it. 

Had I not prioritized my own dreams, been intentional about consistently working toward those dreams and been prepared when the opportunity was presented, I may not have been able to hand my book over to my publisher on the spot when he asked for it.  I have learned that by showing up, being prepared and not being afraid to talk about your goals to people who can help you, things can happen that you hope for, but don’t expect.  I learned that when you put yourself on the priority list, when you show up for your own dreams, your dreams can come true. 

Please visit my website www.sweetenthedeal.com for more information about my book.

The Pushy Guy

Category 1: Too much too fast

Category 2: Those who think they are always right

Dating Tip: Do not ever be pushed into doing something your gut tells you not to do.

Dating the second time around is not for the weak of heart. There are so many factors in play that sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. You have to be over your divorce. You have to find a date. You have to figure out how to schedule around your kids. And then you have to figure out if you like this person enough to go out again. It's a job. If you have great planning skills, emotional stability and keen observation skills, you may be ready to embark. The Pushy Guy's story can help you identify a very common, but often subtle Big Red Flag.

I met this guy online. He seemed normal. He had a job, had a kid and was on decent terms with his ex-wife (or so he said...this is always a gray area until you witness these "good terms"). We moved from email to texting to phone calls pretty quickly. When we talked, he was light hearted and fun and talked about his son a lot. When you have kids, a man who is devoted to his own is a definite must.

We set up a coffee date during the lunch hour one day, and it was good. He was very pleasant to be around. He asked me questions about my life, and he talked about everything from his job to his parents and was very obviously involved with his second grade son. Yea! A good date! Good dates had been few and far between the previous couple of months, you know, with the Married Guy and The Criminal, so I was feeling optimistic for the next date.

Scheduling the next date was a bit difficult because we were on opposite kid weekends and I was teaching ballet in the evenings. He decided that it would be fun to meet up during the day at the park with my two younger sons who were not yet in school. They were 3 and 5 at the time. I put him off because I had a policy of not introducing men to my kids unless there was a good reason. For me, a good reason would be the evolution of a long-term relationship. I was big on avoiding the revolving door syndrome.

At first he took my position in stride, but over the next few conversations he became more and more insistent.

"It'll be fine," he said. "Just introduce me as your friend."

I don't know about his son, but this little comment grossly underestimated the perception of my kids. I knew they wouldn't buy that for a minute. I continued to put him off and he continued to insist.

"It's no big deal. It'll be fine. I won't even give you a hug to say hello."

Finally, against my better judgment, I agreed. And I knew I was not comfortable even at that moment. It is one of those experiences where you look back at yourself from your older and wiser perch and wonder why the heck you let someone influence you away from your conviction.

"Well, okay." I said. "As long as you do not hug me or act like this is a date in front of them."

"Of course!" he said.

Big Red Flag

I loaded up the kids to go to the park. His son was in school which was a bummer, because having him there would have felt more like a play date. I got to the park, and saw him by the monkey bars. As we approached, my younger son ran to play in the sand. He walked up to my other son and me and lo and behold, he hugged me. And he hugged me for more than the split second, friendly hug. It was like he was making a point. A point I did not appreciate.

When sat down on a bench I sat at the far end from him feeling very put off and feeling a bit betrayed by his pointed hug. I directed the older son to go play. He did for a minute, and then was back in a flash. He sat between us and began a soliloquy.

"My dad likes to come to this park. He's at work now, but he brings us here all the time. We like to bring a football and play catch. And my brother can catch pretty good, but I'm good, too. My dad also likes Legos. We play Legos a lot and Rescue Heroes. He's always the fireman and I and the policeman."

It went on and on. I just watched my son talk and when I looked up at the guy, he seemed to finally believe me when I told him that the kids were smarter than he thought. I sent Mr. Chatterbox off to play again.

"Okay. I get it. I see what you mean," he said.

"You should have listened to me," I said. "I know my kids."

I ended the date not long after that. I went home angry. I was not just angry with him for being pushy and not respecting my feelings about it (which is an indication of a controlling personality), but I was angry with myself for buckling. I did not want him to meet my kids, and I folded. I think most parents beat themselves up when they make mistakes with parenting, and I was no exception. I was learning how to date after a ten-year marriage, and I was learning how to date with kids. And this was a good lesson to learn early - stick to your guns and heed the Big Red Flags. They are there for a reason.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book, "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating," to be released April 1, 2015!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth