The Two Biggest Mistakes People Make When Dating

I have said this many times, and I address it in my book (Sweeten the Deal) ad nauseum, I was a one date wonder, and I was okay with it.  Many of my friends told me I was too hard on people.  That I didn’t give them a chance.  That everyone has issues and you just have to deal with it.  These friends were expecting me to lower my standards to “give him a chance.”  Hmm.  And even weirder, when I came across a deal breaker, many of these friends advocated it again.  “Well, maybe it was a fluke.  Just wait and see.”

There is a fundamental problem with this line of thinking.  The problem is this:  when you settle, you value yourself, who you are and what you want less than you value the idea of a relationship.  You begin to fall into the category of “I just want a relationship and you will do” thought pattern.  This is bad.  I mean, really, really bad.  And I will tell you why. 

1.       This is bad for you.  You should never make a conscious decision to lower your standards.  You are already setting yourself up for resentment and anger.  What you think you can let go of or overlook eventually becomes a glaring reminder of what you actually wanted. 

2.      This is bad for the other person.  Imagine it.  Would you want to be the one someone settled for rather than THE ONE? Of course not.  And neither would anyone else.  I firmly ascribe to the idea that the minute you know this one is not for you, you tell him.

3.      This is bad for your friends and family because they will really want to ask, “What the heck are you thinking?” and if they do, you will stop talking to them because you really don’t want to hear what you secretly already know.

4.      This is bad for your kids (if you have them) because you are modeling behavior that can be learned.  Do you really want to be the one who teaches them to settle and to accept things they know they don’t want?  Families tend to follow the same patterns, so let’s set a good one!

Here’s the thing.  Everyone does have issues.  But we get to decide which ones are still within healthy limits and which ones are not.  You are obligated to give yourself permission to have standards and not feel bad about it.  After all, and everyone needs to write this one down: it is better to be alone for the rest of your life than to be with the wrong person.

Once again: It is better to be alone for the rest of your life than to be with the wrong person.

Say it. Believe it. Mean it.

And as for deal breakers.  Well these are the big things that should end a dating relationship immediately.  These are individual.  For me they were things like, treating my kids poorly, addiction, etc.  And when these happen, they have to break your deal.  No question. 

Once again:  Your deal breakers must actually break your deal.

Say it.  Believe it.  Mean it. 

This post first appeared on sweetenthedeal.com.  I invite you to visit the site to find out more about my book Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating.

Survive Your Way to Stellar

“You can only do the best you can do.  Sometimes that is survival and sometimes that is stellar.  And that’s okay.”

This has been a mantra of mine for years.  Until my twenties, I had always marveled at how charmed I felt my life was.  Things generally went well if I worked hard.  When they weren’t as great, I knew that it was temporary and soon I would feel back on top.  I was lucky.  I had a good family, good friends, a good education.  And then, really for the first time, life got in the way. 

When I was 24, my first husband and I decided to have a baby.  We went through almost 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages before I finally had a successful pregnancy.  My husband was deployed for about half of that time, so I was left to cope on my own.  This was my first real survival mode.  I got up every day, went to work and went out with friends.  But emotionally, I was just trying to get through the day.  I was grieving the miscarriages every moment of every day, and all I wanted to do was to get to the end of the day so that I could go to sleep and not think about it.  I did what needed to be done and only what needed to be done.  And that was okay.

Over the next few years, we had a baby, he got out of the Navy and went to law school, we had two more children and moved back to my hometown.  When the boys were 2, 4 and 6, my marriage fell apart.  He moved out on Halloween and confessed his infidelity on Christmas.  I filed for divorce the first week of January and by early February, my youngest son began to have seizures on the hour every hour for two weeks.     This was real survival mode.  If my children were clean and fed, that was successful day.  And that was okay. 

The process of the divorce and getting my son healthy both took about a year.  Once we got a good diagnosis (epilepsy) and the right medication, his seizures slowed to once each month for a year and then were well controlled for nine years.  He is now seizure free and has been released from his neurologist. 

There is nothing wrong with survival mode.  When life gets tough, we need it to kick in so that we can get out of bed each day and do the things we need to do.  We need to survive.  We need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  But we also need to be aware when it is time to move out of survival mode so that we can get back to life. 

My son was diagnosed with epilepsy for ten years.   I also had two other boys who went through the normal ups and downs of childhood.  And I was a single mother for eight of those years.  But there is a point at which you realize that you are through the worst or at least managing it, and survival is not enough.  For me, it took some time after the seizures were controlled to get out of survival mode.  I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage and accept my own situation and new reality.  I probably spend most of 4 years in survival mode.  This is not to say I didn’t have stellar days or experiences, but mostly I was getting through.  When I began to realize I needed more, I started dating and started writing.  I started putting myself out there to market my writing and eventually wrote my book.  I got married.  I blended a family with my new husband.  And I am still going. 

What I learned is that survival mode is a necessary part of life.  I learned that the more you survive, the less you feel set back by life getting in the way.  I learned that when you decide it is time to get on with it and live your life, make plans, set goals and then go after them, you start to achieve stellar.  Stellar is defined by knowing it is time to step up and take charge and then doing it.

I tend to be a perfectionist. This quality is both productive and destructive.  When you are in survival mode and you are beating yourself up for not excelling every day, you are destroying your own self-esteem, and it becomes self-defeating.  You have to be able to accept that survival, when that is all you can do, when life gets in the way, is an accomplishment.  But when you are headed into a stellar period, that same perfectionism acts as drive to do more, learn more and keep pushing forward.  The key is to recognize when it is time for these shifts.  You know when survival is all you can do…but you also know when it is time to do more than just survive.  So do it!

Please visit sweetenthedeal.com to learn more about by new book “Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating”

Embrace Your Own Reality: It’s the Key to Happiness

In my book, I talk a good bit about “those who fail to embrace their own reality.”  These are the people who struggle with acceptance of their situations whether it is divorce, custody arrangements, employment, dating relationships or any other area of life.  I believe that the ability not only to accept your situation, but to embrace it is the only way you can begin to set and follow your own path and to find sustainable happiness.

What does it mean to embrace your reality?  It means that you accept what is.  It means you know who you are, where you are and what you want.  It means you recognize that the only one who can make you happy is you.  The only one who can change your life is you. That blame and anger only serve to defeat you, not the person you blame and have anger toward. 

Acknowledging your reality equates to having self- awareness.  It is a big part of happiness because when you lack it, you are fighting against where you actually are in your life.  You have to own your situation, because when you don’t, you cannot make effective change.  And then you have to embrace it.  The difference is important.  Acknowledging your reality allows you to understand, embracing gives you the power to change.

Let’s look at a few situations I have experienced and observed in the world of dating after divorce that taught me this lesson.

1.       The guy who repeatedly said, “My wife, I mean ex-wife.”  This guy has not accepted (much less embraced) the fact that he is divorced.  How can he move forward?  He can’t.  He is stuck.

2.      The guy who kept telling me what he lost in his divorce…his boat, his house, etc.  He is still angry.  He resents what happened.  As long as he holds on to that, he can’t make change.  And no one wants to be around someone who is angry and resentful.  The power to change is thwarted when you embrace your anger rather than accept your now.

3.      The guy whose profile listed his education as “college,” and upon meeting him answered a question about the nature of his degree with “technically, I didn’t finish college.”  Why?  Why misrepresent?  You are who you are and if someone doesn’t like it, it is their problem.  You have made it your problem by lying about it. 

4.      The woman who is so put upon by being a single mother that she feels entitled.  “I am a single mother, so I should have…”  Where is her power?  Does anyone “deserve?”  Or do you deserve what you work for when you take responsibility for your own life?

5.      The woman who is so angry that she tells anyone who will listen about the wrong she feels was done to her.  Where is her power?  Is she allowing her perception to control her future relationships rather than being determined to make her own happiness?

6.      The men and women who are victims of their own lives.  If you believe that everything that happens in your life is “done to you,” you have effectively given your power away.  Bad things happen.  Often they are not your fault.  But no matter whose fault they are, you have power in your reaction and in your determination to change your situation.  If you are not happy, you are not choosing to make a change. 

I experienced a divorce in which someone else made decisions that changed the course of my entire life without consulting me.  So believe me, I get feeling angry and frustrated by that.  There is a time when you need to allow yourself to feel that anger and frustration and then heal.  That time is not the time to date.  At this point, you are not a fully formed person.  You are broken and need time to put yourself back together.  The problem occurs when this brokenness becomes a way of life.  When you cling to the anger and frustration as a crutch and as an excuse not to move forward and get out there and redefine your path.  When I decided to embrace the fact that I was divorced, that I was raising three kids as a single mother, that I had to find a path that was very different from the one I had been on, I began to feel empowered.  I could decide what was next.  I could decide what kind of relationship I wanted.  I was in charge.  And I embraced that.  And when I embraced that, good things began to happen.  I love this phrase: If you don’t like where you are, move.  You are not a tree.  Words to live by.

This post first appeared on the blog at www.sweetenthedeal.com.  Please visit this site to find out more about my book chronicling my crazy dates and the lessons I learned along the way.

The Dirty Texter

So.  I was 23 when I got married for the first time.  It was 1994.  I do not think I had a cell phone at that time, and if I did, it wasn’t something I used regularly since it would have been clunky and expensive.  We called each other on a phone attached to a wall jack and we left messages on answering machines.  So when I found myself divorced at 33 and thinking about dating, some things had definitely changed. 

The advent of the readily available and affordable cell phone changed a lot about the process of dating.  As my friends were talking the other night about how cell phones have affected kids with sexting and being disconnected from what they say to people on the other end of a cell phone, I interjected, “It’s not just kids!”  That disconnect has affected everyone.  People will now say and text things they would never say to someone’s face. 

Let me introduce you to the Dirty Texter. 

This guy was a sports radio announcer in Alabama.  He was educated and employed.  He had a daughter.  He seemed normal.  He traveled fairly frequently, so the fact that I lived in Pensacola, FL (about 4 hours away from him) didn’t bother him.  He emailed me through a dating site and after several emails asked if he could call.  Our conversations were good.  He was funny and talkative and had some interesting experiences.  Communication was good…after all, he communicated for a living. 

He called a few times over the course of a week or two.  And then he began texting. 

Big Red Flag

At first there was nothing off about it.  But as he texted more and more, he started hinting at things that were not altogether appropriate coming from a total stranger. 

“Hey there…I can’t wait to kiss you.”

Ok.  Not overly bad, but how would you know?  You’ve never met me and I could be a nutjob.

“Hey.  What are you wearing?”

Huh.  Not exactly what I am interested in communicating with someone I don’t know.  I am still trying to figure out if I even wanted to meet this guy.

One time he began to text when I was driving, so I just called him.  I told him I was driving and couldn’t text.  Conversation was a bit stilted and he asked if he could call back in a few minutes.  I said that was fine.  By the time I got home and began putting laundry in the dryer, he started texting again.

“Hey, I would really love to give you a massage.”

Getting weirder.

“What?”

“I would love to give you a massage…with hot oils.”

I didn’t say anything at this point.

“With hot oils…rub them all over your body.”

Again, no response from me as my mind was reeling.  Was this a test?  Was he trying to see how I would respond?  Was he serious?  Did he think this was a good way to flirt?  Was this just a game he was playing and he wanted to see what he could get away with?  Many questions, no answers.  Having never really dated in the era of texting, I began to wonder if this was common…do people really think you can say these things to someone you’ve never met?  Apparently they do.  Because he did.

When I didn’t respond at all, he wrote again about an hour later.  He wanted to know if something was wrong.  I said, “yes.”  He didn’t know what it could be.  I told him I was not comfortable with him texting the things he was saying and that I didn’t even know him. 

“Well, I think you have some hang-ups that you need to get over.”

All I could say was, “You are right.  Let me get right on that.” 

There are red flags left and right in this little scenario.  And I was having none of it. 

1.       No one gets to text you things that make you feel uncomfortable.  Period.  If this is not your thing, it’s not your thing.  It is not a fault. 

2.      When you hint that something is not right for you by saying, “I don’t even know you” and the behavior continues, your feelings are being disregarded.  Run.

3.      When you tell someone you are uncomfortable and they accuse you of being at fault for your own discomfort, run fast and far.  You do not get to be blamed for someone else’s behavior.  The accuser is someone who does not take responsibility for his own actions.  BIG RED FLAG.

The job daters have, especially as daters for the second time around is to set boundaries and expectations and make sure that your deal breakers actually break your deal.  Otherwise, you are destined to make the same mistakes over and over again.  And remember the mantra, “I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.”  And mean it.

Please visit www.sweetenthedeal.com to find information about my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating.  You will laugh at my stories and learn from my experiences!

Victor or Victim: It's Your Choice

"As long as you think that the cause of your problem is "out there"--as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering--the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you're suffering in paradise." 
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

I have two scenarios for you to consider. In the first, you see a single mother. Her husband cheated on her for years. She is upbeat, she is happy and she goes through life smiling. She enjoys her children, yet she is able to enjoy the weekends they are with their father when she is able to do some adult things. She encourages her children to have a good relationship with their father and feels glad that they enjoy being with him.

In the second, you see a single mother. Her husband cheated on her for years. She looks haggard, scowls and goes through life just trying to get through the day. Her children are a chore, but when they are with their father she resents that they are gone. When they have fun with him, she sees it as a betrayal of her.

We all know people (women or men) who fit into each of these categories. How is it that some divorced people are able to have a sense of joy and ease about them while others seem to have the weight of the world bearing down on them? I believe that the difference lies in attitude. If you live as a victor, you will be a victor. If you live as a victim, you will be a victim. I believe if you empower yourself with the mindset of a victor and recognize it as a choice rather than a circumstance, the victim will fall off of you life like the chrysalis of a butterfly.

The first action necessary to embrace the victor over victim mentality is to realize that you have control over your future. Whatever has happened in the past was difficult. The nature of divorce is difficulty. Once you accept that you are the only person who controls your destiny, you can let go of any resentment from past trials.

The first step in controlling your own destiny is to relieve yourself from the burden of being invested in your ex. If you are invested in your ex's behavior whether it relates to whom he dates or how he spends money, then it is difficult not to see a cause and effect relationship between what he does and how you feel. This is a two-fold problem. It leads to wanting to change his behavior (control), and it leads to thinking his behavior affects you (victim). 

The fact is, once you are divorced, you have no say in what your ex does, who he dates and how he spends his money. After all, you don't want your ex to have a say in your decisions, right? To think that you have a say in your ex's life is to try and maintain some degree of control over him. When you try to maintain control and realize you can't, it invokes anger, frustration and resentment. These feelings lead to identifying yourself as a victim of your ex's behavior. Let go of control. The knowledge and acceptance that you can only control yourself and what goes on at your house is liberating and empowering.

The next step into victory is to re-learn how to communicate with your ex, particularly in the beginning. Sometimes old habits are hard to break, so in the first stages of separation and divorce, I recommend that you communicate only by email and only about topics specific to the children. These topics are health, schedules and the academic well-being of the children. This will eliminate the temptation to get into other conversations that may not be related to the children. Anything not related to the children is in opposition to you trying to become un-invested. Eventually things may evolve and communication may flow more easily, but in the beginning, when you are trying to re-learn how to think about yourself and your own goals, it is better not to drift into past habits and hurts.

Next, practice the Golden Rule. If you behave as you would like your ex to behave, you do not create conflict. Conflict leads to negative communication and that keeps you invested in the anger and hurt of the past. If you are the custodial parent, make absolutely certain to provide your ex with schedules, school notices and information about your child necessary for your ex to participate in every way. If you are the non-custodial parent, make every effort to gather information about your child from readily available sources such as school websites, sports team websites, etc. Again, practice the Golden Rule by providing information as you would have it provided to you. Otherwise, you are provoking your ex which keeps you invested.

Keep your focus on you, your kids and the future. When you take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, you are empowered to make changes and be happy. You are divorced from your ex. There are reasons for that. The reasons will probably not change. If you do not expect the reasons to change, and you can accept the way things are, your only option is to recognize that you and only you control your reaction to your circumstances. You and only you control your future. This is your victory. And this is the lesson to teach your kids. Empowering yourself to claim responsibility for your destiny and your happiness empowers your children to know they can choose happiness, too. And they will learn to choose to be victors of their own lives rather than victims. And that is the greatest victory of all.

Please visit my website sweetenthedeal.com to find my book.  I am currently looking for guest bloggers as well.  Tell me your crazy dating stories at elizabeth@sweetenthedeal.com

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth

Show Up

One of my biggest fears in life was not that my dreams would go unfulfilled, but that I would allow myself to let life go by without fully pursuing them.  I could accept that I may not achieve every goal that I set, but I was determined to make sure that I showed up for my own dreams – and that I showed up prepared. 

As women, mothers, wives, employees or business owners, we often find ourselves caught up in the busy tasks of daily life.  We often prioritize the needs of others thinking, “I’ll get to it when I have time” with regard to our own goals.  And weeks, months and years go by. 

When I was married and young, I allowed the marginalization of my writing by my husband (who is no longer my husband) to quell my confidence and desire to write.  I allowed someone else to alter my path.  I think many of us do this, especially when we are young and stupid.  As we began to have children, I prioritized them, while trying to manage a marriage that was changing who I was.  I began to feel like someone I didn’t know and I lost the path to my dreams.

Once my marriage ended, I took time to heal.  It took a long time as my youngest son developed epilepsy and there were times when having the boys clean and fed and healthy were the only goals on my list.  I lived for quite a while in survival mode. 

As I evaluated my life and my marriage, I became fearful of continuing to let so much time go by thinking that I would eventually find time to pursue my dreams.  What if I never took the time and life just passed me by?

I began to blog.  I started with one about my kids, and then another about my struggles.  As I began to online date, my friends told me my dating stories were so crazy that I had to write them down.  So I did.  I became very intentional about writing consistently.  I rediscovered my dream of getting published.  I started marketing with social media and talking about it to anyone who would listen.  I eventually began blogging for Huffington Post. 

I discovered I had learned a lot in my life through my experiences and I had a lot to say.  I began writing about divorce, blended families, parenting and divorced dads.  I began asking my professional friends about writing for their business’s websites.  I began doing freelance commercial writing and actually had good clients who liked my work.  I put my dating blog into book form and began to pursue a publisher.    

I also began volunteering…a lot.  I wrote a script for a local pageant. I joined a political campaign as a writer.  I managed a website for my son’s lacrosse team.  Sometimes I didn’t know which way was up!  My mind was spinning with so many things I wanted to write about.  So many times I wondered if I needed to stop and form a more linear plan.  Should I focus on only one thing at a time?  Was any of this going to benefit my dream of getting published?  Whenever I began to wonder these things, I decided to just keep my head down and keep on going. 

I said “yes” to any opportunity, and many of them didn’t pay.  When I was asked to write the script for a local pageant, I debated doing it.  I didn’t have a child participating, but it was with a business associate and I wanted to develop that relationship outside of work.  It turned out that my business associate and her family really believed in investing in the young women in our community through this pageant, and I became invested in the program.  Little did I know that when I wrote the bio for the man who judged the participants’ essays, he would ask me about my writing.  And he would have a publishing company.  And a week later, he would offer to publish my book.  And two months later, he would agree to work with my sister and me on our children’s book. 

My book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online dating was released April 1, 2015.   It’s a humorous chronical of my crazy dating stories that interjects lessons I learned and advice for dating.  Who knows how commercially successful it will be, but it fulfills one of my dreams.  I have a book with my name on it. 

Had I not prioritized my own dreams, been intentional about consistently working toward those dreams and been prepared when the opportunity was presented, I may not have been able to hand my book over to my publisher on the spot when he asked for it.  I have learned that by showing up, being prepared and not being afraid to talk about your goals to people who can help you, things can happen that you hope for, but don’t expect.  I learned that when you put yourself on the priority list, when you show up for your own dreams, your dreams can come true. 

Please visit my website www.sweetenthedeal.com for more information about my book.