Self-Awareness: A Powerful Tool for Change

            Self-awareness.  Simple concept.  Challenging accomplishment.  As much as it seems like we should all be able to assess our actions, an astonishing number of people go through life and relationships without any idea how their own behavior can impact their decisions, relationships and ultimately, their happiness. 

            I have written several articles that address those things in life that can hold you back from relationships.  From deciding to be or not to be a victim to deciding to settle or not to settle, I have tried to highlight decisions that we all have control over.  After all, we all know that the only behavior we can control is our own.  The problem arises when our self-awareness is low.  In my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I identify it as “those who fail to embrace their own reality.” 

We all know the person who thinks that every bad thing that has happened is someone else’s fault, and, really, someone else’s responsibility.  And do you know the person who is willing to date anyone to avoid being alone?  Yes, you do.  And what about the exhausting friend who continues to participate in old relationships that are supposedly “over” but by the continual communication with these “over” relationship-people and the subsequent regurgitation of the trauma of these “done” relationships, it is obviously not OVER!  The ones who have BIG GLARING RED FLAGS in their relationships are the most frustrating…how can you not see what the rest of us see?  Help!

But what about ourselves?  How often do we take the time to look honestly at our own behavior and decide if we are getting in our own way?  Probably not enough.  I mean, that’s not fun.  And once we become aware that we are getting in our own way, we actually have to change!  Ugh!  Again, not fun!

So here are some questions to help you start your quest toward self-awareness and your effort to embrace your own reality.

1.       Are you unable to spend time alone and feel a need to fill every minute of your time?

2.      If you are not dating someone, do you feel inadequate or like a failure?

3.      Are you generally angry in your life?

4.      Do you find yourself blaming other people when something goes wrong?

5.      Do you feel helpless to change your situation in life?

6.      Do you continue to communicate with past relationships?

7.      Do you find yourself stalking former relationships on social media?

8.     Do you overlook flaws in a date/relationship that make you uncomfortable?

9.      Do your friends tell you that your date/relationship is unhealthy for you?

10.  Do you agonize over your current situation and look back to figure out whose fault it is?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you may need a little self-reflection.  When you are aware that you may sabotage your relationships with behavior you can control, it is time to take a break and figure out what is driving your behavior and work on it.  If your fear of being alone or willingness to overlook deal breakers is driven by insecurity, that will require some work.  Insecurity should not be a driving force in any relationship.  If you react to situations in anger, especially misdirected anger, then you need to accept your life as it is now.  Take responsibility for your future and release the blame of wrongs past.  It only hurts you and your family.  Whatever the reason for self-sabotage, until you become aware of it, you can’t stop it.  When you acknowledge it and in turn, embrace it, you become empowered to know what you want and make the good choices that will lead you to it!  Not easy.  But definitely doable!

Survive Your Way to Stellar

“You can only do the best you can do.  Sometimes that is survival and sometimes that is stellar.  And that’s okay.”

This has been a mantra of mine for years.  Until my twenties, I had always marveled at how charmed I felt my life was.  Things generally went well if I worked hard.  When they weren’t as great, I knew that it was temporary and soon I would feel back on top.  I was lucky.  I had a good family, good friends, a good education.  And then, really for the first time, life got in the way. 

When I was 24, my first husband and I decided to have a baby.  We went through almost 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages before I finally had a successful pregnancy.  My husband was deployed for about half of that time, so I was left to cope on my own.  This was my first real survival mode.  I got up every day, went to work and went out with friends.  But emotionally, I was just trying to get through the day.  I was grieving the miscarriages every moment of every day, and all I wanted to do was to get to the end of the day so that I could go to sleep and not think about it.  I did what needed to be done and only what needed to be done.  And that was okay.

Over the next few years, we had a baby, he got out of the Navy and went to law school, we had two more children and moved back to my hometown.  When the boys were 2, 4 and 6, my marriage fell apart.  He moved out on Halloween and confessed his infidelity on Christmas.  I filed for divorce the first week of January and by early February, my youngest son began to have seizures on the hour every hour for two weeks.     This was real survival mode.  If my children were clean and fed, that was successful day.  And that was okay. 

The process of the divorce and getting my son healthy both took about a year.  Once we got a good diagnosis (epilepsy) and the right medication, his seizures slowed to once each month for a year and then were well controlled for nine years.  He is now seizure free and has been released from his neurologist. 

There is nothing wrong with survival mode.  When life gets tough, we need it to kick in so that we can get out of bed each day and do the things we need to do.  We need to survive.  We need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  But we also need to be aware when it is time to move out of survival mode so that we can get back to life. 

My son was diagnosed with epilepsy for ten years.   I also had two other boys who went through the normal ups and downs of childhood.  And I was a single mother for eight of those years.  But there is a point at which you realize that you are through the worst or at least managing it, and survival is not enough.  For me, it took some time after the seizures were controlled to get out of survival mode.  I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage and accept my own situation and new reality.  I probably spend most of 4 years in survival mode.  This is not to say I didn’t have stellar days or experiences, but mostly I was getting through.  When I began to realize I needed more, I started dating and started writing.  I started putting myself out there to market my writing and eventually wrote my book.  I got married.  I blended a family with my new husband.  And I am still going. 

What I learned is that survival mode is a necessary part of life.  I learned that the more you survive, the less you feel set back by life getting in the way.  I learned that when you decide it is time to get on with it and live your life, make plans, set goals and then go after them, you start to achieve stellar.  Stellar is defined by knowing it is time to step up and take charge and then doing it.

I tend to be a perfectionist. This quality is both productive and destructive.  When you are in survival mode and you are beating yourself up for not excelling every day, you are destroying your own self-esteem, and it becomes self-defeating.  You have to be able to accept that survival, when that is all you can do, when life gets in the way, is an accomplishment.  But when you are headed into a stellar period, that same perfectionism acts as drive to do more, learn more and keep pushing forward.  The key is to recognize when it is time for these shifts.  You know when survival is all you can do…but you also know when it is time to do more than just survive.  So do it!

Please visit sweetenthedeal.com to learn more about by new book “Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating”

The Pushy Guy

Category 1: Too much too fast

Category 2: Those who think they are always right

Dating Tip: Do not ever be pushed into doing something your gut tells you not to do.

Dating the second time around is not for the weak of heart. There are so many factors in play that sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. You have to be over your divorce. You have to find a date. You have to figure out how to schedule around your kids. And then you have to figure out if you like this person enough to go out again. It's a job. If you have great planning skills, emotional stability and keen observation skills, you may be ready to embark. The Pushy Guy's story can help you identify a very common, but often subtle Big Red Flag.

I met this guy online. He seemed normal. He had a job, had a kid and was on decent terms with his ex-wife (or so he said...this is always a gray area until you witness these "good terms"). We moved from email to texting to phone calls pretty quickly. When we talked, he was light hearted and fun and talked about his son a lot. When you have kids, a man who is devoted to his own is a definite must.

We set up a coffee date during the lunch hour one day, and it was good. He was very pleasant to be around. He asked me questions about my life, and he talked about everything from his job to his parents and was very obviously involved with his second grade son. Yea! A good date! Good dates had been few and far between the previous couple of months, you know, with the Married Guy and The Criminal, so I was feeling optimistic for the next date.

Scheduling the next date was a bit difficult because we were on opposite kid weekends and I was teaching ballet in the evenings. He decided that it would be fun to meet up during the day at the park with my two younger sons who were not yet in school. They were 3 and 5 at the time. I put him off because I had a policy of not introducing men to my kids unless there was a good reason. For me, a good reason would be the evolution of a long-term relationship. I was big on avoiding the revolving door syndrome.

At first he took my position in stride, but over the next few conversations he became more and more insistent.

"It'll be fine," he said. "Just introduce me as your friend."

I don't know about his son, but this little comment grossly underestimated the perception of my kids. I knew they wouldn't buy that for a minute. I continued to put him off and he continued to insist.

"It's no big deal. It'll be fine. I won't even give you a hug to say hello."

Finally, against my better judgment, I agreed. And I knew I was not comfortable even at that moment. It is one of those experiences where you look back at yourself from your older and wiser perch and wonder why the heck you let someone influence you away from your conviction.

"Well, okay." I said. "As long as you do not hug me or act like this is a date in front of them."

"Of course!" he said.

Big Red Flag

I loaded up the kids to go to the park. His son was in school which was a bummer, because having him there would have felt more like a play date. I got to the park, and saw him by the monkey bars. As we approached, my younger son ran to play in the sand. He walked up to my other son and me and lo and behold, he hugged me. And he hugged me for more than the split second, friendly hug. It was like he was making a point. A point I did not appreciate.

When sat down on a bench I sat at the far end from him feeling very put off and feeling a bit betrayed by his pointed hug. I directed the older son to go play. He did for a minute, and then was back in a flash. He sat between us and began a soliloquy.

"My dad likes to come to this park. He's at work now, but he brings us here all the time. We like to bring a football and play catch. And my brother can catch pretty good, but I'm good, too. My dad also likes Legos. We play Legos a lot and Rescue Heroes. He's always the fireman and I and the policeman."

It went on and on. I just watched my son talk and when I looked up at the guy, he seemed to finally believe me when I told him that the kids were smarter than he thought. I sent Mr. Chatterbox off to play again.

"Okay. I get it. I see what you mean," he said.

"You should have listened to me," I said. "I know my kids."

I ended the date not long after that. I went home angry. I was not just angry with him for being pushy and not respecting my feelings about it (which is an indication of a controlling personality), but I was angry with myself for buckling. I did not want him to meet my kids, and I folded. I think most parents beat themselves up when they make mistakes with parenting, and I was no exception. I was learning how to date after a ten-year marriage, and I was learning how to date with kids. And this was a good lesson to learn early - stick to your guns and heed the Big Red Flags. They are there for a reason.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book, "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating," to be released April 1, 2015!

Follow Elizabeth Denham on Twitter:www.twitter.com/DenhamElizabeth