In writing my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I talk a lot about the funny parts of
dating – the crazy stories and bad dates we have all experienced, including “The
Criminal,” “The Wanna Feel My Muscle Guy,” “The Married Guy,” etc. But there is a serious side as well. Knowing what you want and feeling empowered
to hold to those standards is an absolute must when you are looking for a
permanent relationship. If your deal
breakers do not break your deal, you are destined to settle and to end up with something
much less than what you want .
In my years of online dating post-divorce, I had more first
dates than I could count. And very few
second dates. My friends dubbed me the
one-date-wonder and told me I was too hard on people. I disagree.
I knew what I wanted and was willing to wait for it. In my communication with readers about their
dating experiences, a man recently asked me what I thought the difference was
between having standards and having realistic expectations. This is a very important question. If you do not identify this difference, you
may just end up settling and making the same mistakes over and over.
I believe that when you are dating, you must have some
absolutes - things that you can’t live with or live without. These are your must-haves and your deal breakers. The must-haves are the things you require as
fundamental parts of the person you want to have a relationships with. These are the biggies: trust, fidelity,
respect…the intangibles that define a person’s character. The deal breakers are the things you cannot
tolerate in a mate: lies, abuse, disrespect for your parenting or your kids. These are the things that must drive you away
immediately upon discovery. If they don’t,
you are settling. And you are making
that choice.
Realistic Expectations are different than the must-haves and
the deal breakers. We are all attracted
to different qualities. We tend to set a
list of qualities that we prefer relative to appearance, personality, interests,
etc. I really like someone who is
funny. I tend to like taller guys who
are athletic. Some people are very
specific in these kinds of qualities and go so far as to include money, fitness
level, geographic area or family background.
In the big scheme, some of these qualities are more important than
others, but none of these would qualify as a deal breaker or must-have (or at
least they shouldn’t).
The problem with setting expectations for these type
qualities is that you lock yourself into a box.
And chances are good that you will not find someone with all of your
must-haves and none of your deal breakers who is wrapped up in the package that
you have designed for yourself. If you
don’t even look at someone who may look different from your “ideal” or speak
differently or have less money, you may miss the most honorable, trustworthy,
loving person.
This is not to say that you can’t prioritize the qualities
that are most important to you to define compatibility. You have to enjoy the person you date. You have to have attraction. But identify which are the absolute most
important qualities and don’t limit yourself based on the less important
ones. After all, how many times have you
met someone that becomes more attractive the more you know them because who
they are is more attractive than how they look?
And how many times has someone physically stunning become uglier and
uglier because of who they are on the inside?
Being open to people you would not normally consider your “type”
can be a liberating experience. Commit
to getting to know someone based more on your must-haves and deal breakers than
on a list of expectations that may not be based on what really matters. And when you encounter a deal breaker….it
must break your deal. Because, remember
my mantra? I would rather be alone for
the rest of my life than be with the wrong person. When you truly mean that, you know that you
will not settle.
