Press Release - Sweeten the Deal Released!

SWEETEN THE DEAL RELEASED APRIL 1, 2015

Contact: Elizabeth Denham                                                    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Cell: 251-300-1324                                                                 Publisher: Intellect Publishing

Email: elizabeth@sweetenthedeal.com

Website: www.sweetenthedeal.com

Follow the Guru, Girls!  The Dating Bible is Here!

Spanish Fort, AL – Augustl 2015 – Have you ever had a bad date?  Can you spot the warning signs?  Old, young, never married or divorced, no one remains immune from the universal experience of a less than stellar date. 

In Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, released April 1, 2015, Spanish Fort author and relationship expert Elizabeth Denham chronicles 5 years of online dates that will have you laughing while learning how to spot and avoid the big red flags of online dating.

“When someone tells you that you have to sweeten the deal if you want a second date, how can you not laugh?” said Denham who was recently featured on John Tesh’s Intelligence for Your Life.  “But I have also learned so many valuable lessons about having self -awareness, setting boundaries and knowing what you want.”

Denham believes the key to successful dating is having the right attitude. 

“You have to be content with yourself before you are ready to date,” she said. “One thing I talk about a lot is that you have to think, ‘I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.’”

A sense of humor with a touch of sarcasm sets the tone for the telling of her almost unbelievable stories.  Poignancy mixed with some straight talk reveals her advice for dating.

“I wish I had had this book as a resource to navigate the sticky world of dating when I started.  Not only insightful and entertaining, but the author really makes you feel like a fly on the wall during one of her “seems normal” online dates,” Leanna Conley, author of The Daily Janet said. “Elizabeth is the Suzy Orman of dating.  Follow the guru, girls.  The Dating Bible is here!”

The book, published by Intellect Publishing, tells stories of individual dates that incorporate Big Red Flags, Dating Tips and her internal dialog throughout these stories that you just can’t make up.  She includes a glossary of dating categories, big red flags and an online dating decoder. 

“If you are a single female involved in or considering online dating, buy this book,” Bob Zeanah, author of Work to Do said.  “If you know a single female who is online dating, buy the book and give it to her.”

Denham, originally from Pensacola, FL, lives in Spanish Fort, AL with her husband (the online dating worked!) and five kids.  Three came with her, two came with him.  She has been featured on Intelligence for Your Life with John Tesh, writes a blog on the Huffington Post and has appeared on HuffPost Live to discuss blended families.  She has a creative writing degree from Florida State University and works as a freelance commercial writer. 

Denham is working on her next project with her illustrator sister, Annie Malloy.  The Magic Nation Series, a children’s book series based on Malloy’s childhood imaginary friend, Lisa Merry-Go-Round, will teach life lessons for young children through the adventures of Lisa Merry-Go-Round and Tommy Seesaw.

Click here for Book Trailer (Author Interview).

Click here for Intelligence for Your Life clip.

Click here for clip of The Daily Brew Appearance

Click here for the Sweeten the Deal website.

Self-Awareness: A Powerful Tool for Change

            Self-awareness.  Simple concept.  Challenging accomplishment.  As much as it seems like we should all be able to assess our actions, an astonishing number of people go through life and relationships without any idea how their own behavior can impact their decisions, relationships and ultimately, their happiness. 

            I have written several articles that address those things in life that can hold you back from relationships.  From deciding to be or not to be a victim to deciding to settle or not to settle, I have tried to highlight decisions that we all have control over.  After all, we all know that the only behavior we can control is our own.  The problem arises when our self-awareness is low.  In my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I identify it as “those who fail to embrace their own reality.” 

We all know the person who thinks that every bad thing that has happened is someone else’s fault, and, really, someone else’s responsibility.  And do you know the person who is willing to date anyone to avoid being alone?  Yes, you do.  And what about the exhausting friend who continues to participate in old relationships that are supposedly “over” but by the continual communication with these “over” relationship-people and the subsequent regurgitation of the trauma of these “done” relationships, it is obviously not OVER!  The ones who have BIG GLARING RED FLAGS in their relationships are the most frustrating…how can you not see what the rest of us see?  Help!

But what about ourselves?  How often do we take the time to look honestly at our own behavior and decide if we are getting in our own way?  Probably not enough.  I mean, that’s not fun.  And once we become aware that we are getting in our own way, we actually have to change!  Ugh!  Again, not fun!

So here are some questions to help you start your quest toward self-awareness and your effort to embrace your own reality.

1.       Are you unable to spend time alone and feel a need to fill every minute of your time?

2.      If you are not dating someone, do you feel inadequate or like a failure?

3.      Are you generally angry in your life?

4.      Do you find yourself blaming other people when something goes wrong?

5.      Do you feel helpless to change your situation in life?

6.      Do you continue to communicate with past relationships?

7.      Do you find yourself stalking former relationships on social media?

8.     Do you overlook flaws in a date/relationship that make you uncomfortable?

9.      Do your friends tell you that your date/relationship is unhealthy for you?

10.  Do you agonize over your current situation and look back to figure out whose fault it is?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you may need a little self-reflection.  When you are aware that you may sabotage your relationships with behavior you can control, it is time to take a break and figure out what is driving your behavior and work on it.  If your fear of being alone or willingness to overlook deal breakers is driven by insecurity, that will require some work.  Insecurity should not be a driving force in any relationship.  If you react to situations in anger, especially misdirected anger, then you need to accept your life as it is now.  Take responsibility for your future and release the blame of wrongs past.  It only hurts you and your family.  Whatever the reason for self-sabotage, until you become aware of it, you can’t stop it.  When you acknowledge it and in turn, embrace it, you become empowered to know what you want and make the good choices that will lead you to it!  Not easy.  But definitely doable!

How to Avoid Settling

In writing my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating, I talk a lot about the funny parts of dating – the crazy stories and bad dates we have all experienced, including “The Criminal,” “The Wanna Feel My Muscle Guy,” “The Married Guy,” etc.  But there is a serious side as well.  Knowing what you want and feeling empowered to hold to those standards is an absolute must when you are looking for a permanent relationship.  If your deal breakers do not break your deal, you are destined to settle and to end up with something much less than what you want . 

In my years of online dating post-divorce, I had more first dates than I could count.  And very few second dates.  My friends dubbed me the one-date-wonder and told me I was too hard on people.  I disagree.  I knew what I wanted and was willing to wait for it.  In my communication with readers about their dating experiences, a man recently asked me what I thought the difference was between having standards and having realistic expectations.  This is a very important question.  If you do not identify this difference, you may just end up settling and making the same mistakes over and over.

I believe that when you are dating, you must have some absolutes - things that you can’t live with or live without.  These are your must-haves and your deal breakers.  The must-haves are the things you require as fundamental parts of the person you want to have a relationships with.  These are the biggies: trust, fidelity, respect…the intangibles that define a person’s character.  The deal breakers are the things you cannot tolerate in a mate: lies, abuse, disrespect for your parenting or your kids.  These are the things that must drive you away immediately upon discovery.  If they don’t, you are settling.  And you are making that choice.

Realistic Expectations are different than the must-haves and the deal breakers.  We are all attracted to different qualities.  We tend to set a list of qualities that we prefer relative to appearance, personality, interests, etc.  I really like someone who is funny.  I tend to like taller guys who are athletic.  Some people are very specific in these kinds of qualities and go so far as to include money, fitness level, geographic area or family background.  In the big scheme, some of these qualities are more important than others, but none of these would qualify as a deal breaker or must-have (or at least they shouldn’t). 

The problem with setting expectations for these type qualities is that you lock yourself into a box.  And chances are good that you will not find someone with all of your must-haves and none of your deal breakers who is wrapped up in the package that you have designed for yourself.  If you don’t even look at someone who may look different from your “ideal” or speak differently or have less money, you may miss the most honorable, trustworthy, loving person. 

This is not to say that you can’t prioritize the qualities that are most important to you to define compatibility.  You have to enjoy the person you date.  You have to have attraction.  But identify which are the absolute most important qualities and don’t limit yourself based on the less important ones.  After all, how many times have you met someone that becomes more attractive the more you know them because who they are is more attractive than how they look?  And how many times has someone physically stunning become uglier and uglier because of who they are on the inside? 

Being open to people you would not normally consider your “type” can be a liberating experience.  Commit to getting to know someone based more on your must-haves and deal breakers than on a list of expectations that may not be based on what really matters.  And when you encounter a deal breaker….it must break your deal.  Because, remember my mantra?  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.  When you truly mean that, you know that you will not settle.  

The Two Biggest Mistakes People Make When Dating

I have said this many times, and I address it in my book (Sweeten the Deal) ad nauseum, I was a one date wonder, and I was okay with it.  Many of my friends told me I was too hard on people.  That I didn’t give them a chance.  That everyone has issues and you just have to deal with it.  These friends were expecting me to lower my standards to “give him a chance.”  Hmm.  And even weirder, when I came across a deal breaker, many of these friends advocated it again.  “Well, maybe it was a fluke.  Just wait and see.”

There is a fundamental problem with this line of thinking.  The problem is this:  when you settle, you value yourself, who you are and what you want less than you value the idea of a relationship.  You begin to fall into the category of “I just want a relationship and you will do” thought pattern.  This is bad.  I mean, really, really bad.  And I will tell you why. 

1.       This is bad for you.  You should never make a conscious decision to lower your standards.  You are already setting yourself up for resentment and anger.  What you think you can let go of or overlook eventually becomes a glaring reminder of what you actually wanted. 

2.      This is bad for the other person.  Imagine it.  Would you want to be the one someone settled for rather than THE ONE? Of course not.  And neither would anyone else.  I firmly ascribe to the idea that the minute you know this one is not for you, you tell him.

3.      This is bad for your friends and family because they will really want to ask, “What the heck are you thinking?” and if they do, you will stop talking to them because you really don’t want to hear what you secretly already know.

4.      This is bad for your kids (if you have them) because you are modeling behavior that can be learned.  Do you really want to be the one who teaches them to settle and to accept things they know they don’t want?  Families tend to follow the same patterns, so let’s set a good one!

Here’s the thing.  Everyone does have issues.  But we get to decide which ones are still within healthy limits and which ones are not.  You are obligated to give yourself permission to have standards and not feel bad about it.  After all, and everyone needs to write this one down: it is better to be alone for the rest of your life than to be with the wrong person.

Once again: It is better to be alone for the rest of your life than to be with the wrong person.

Say it. Believe it. Mean it.

And as for deal breakers.  Well these are the big things that should end a dating relationship immediately.  These are individual.  For me they were things like, treating my kids poorly, addiction, etc.  And when these happen, they have to break your deal.  No question. 

Once again:  Your deal breakers must actually break your deal.

Say it.  Believe it.  Mean it. 

This post first appeared on sweetenthedeal.com.  I invite you to visit the site to find out more about my book Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating.

Survive Your Way to Stellar

“You can only do the best you can do.  Sometimes that is survival and sometimes that is stellar.  And that’s okay.”

This has been a mantra of mine for years.  Until my twenties, I had always marveled at how charmed I felt my life was.  Things generally went well if I worked hard.  When they weren’t as great, I knew that it was temporary and soon I would feel back on top.  I was lucky.  I had a good family, good friends, a good education.  And then, really for the first time, life got in the way. 

When I was 24, my first husband and I decided to have a baby.  We went through almost 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages before I finally had a successful pregnancy.  My husband was deployed for about half of that time, so I was left to cope on my own.  This was my first real survival mode.  I got up every day, went to work and went out with friends.  But emotionally, I was just trying to get through the day.  I was grieving the miscarriages every moment of every day, and all I wanted to do was to get to the end of the day so that I could go to sleep and not think about it.  I did what needed to be done and only what needed to be done.  And that was okay.

Over the next few years, we had a baby, he got out of the Navy and went to law school, we had two more children and moved back to my hometown.  When the boys were 2, 4 and 6, my marriage fell apart.  He moved out on Halloween and confessed his infidelity on Christmas.  I filed for divorce the first week of January and by early February, my youngest son began to have seizures on the hour every hour for two weeks.     This was real survival mode.  If my children were clean and fed, that was successful day.  And that was okay. 

The process of the divorce and getting my son healthy both took about a year.  Once we got a good diagnosis (epilepsy) and the right medication, his seizures slowed to once each month for a year and then were well controlled for nine years.  He is now seizure free and has been released from his neurologist. 

There is nothing wrong with survival mode.  When life gets tough, we need it to kick in so that we can get out of bed each day and do the things we need to do.  We need to survive.  We need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  But we also need to be aware when it is time to move out of survival mode so that we can get back to life. 

My son was diagnosed with epilepsy for ten years.   I also had two other boys who went through the normal ups and downs of childhood.  And I was a single mother for eight of those years.  But there is a point at which you realize that you are through the worst or at least managing it, and survival is not enough.  For me, it took some time after the seizures were controlled to get out of survival mode.  I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage and accept my own situation and new reality.  I probably spend most of 4 years in survival mode.  This is not to say I didn’t have stellar days or experiences, but mostly I was getting through.  When I began to realize I needed more, I started dating and started writing.  I started putting myself out there to market my writing and eventually wrote my book.  I got married.  I blended a family with my new husband.  And I am still going. 

What I learned is that survival mode is a necessary part of life.  I learned that the more you survive, the less you feel set back by life getting in the way.  I learned that when you decide it is time to get on with it and live your life, make plans, set goals and then go after them, you start to achieve stellar.  Stellar is defined by knowing it is time to step up and take charge and then doing it.

I tend to be a perfectionist. This quality is both productive and destructive.  When you are in survival mode and you are beating yourself up for not excelling every day, you are destroying your own self-esteem, and it becomes self-defeating.  You have to be able to accept that survival, when that is all you can do, when life gets in the way, is an accomplishment.  But when you are headed into a stellar period, that same perfectionism acts as drive to do more, learn more and keep pushing forward.  The key is to recognize when it is time for these shifts.  You know when survival is all you can do…but you also know when it is time to do more than just survive.  So do it!

Please visit sweetenthedeal.com to learn more about by new book “Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating”

Embrace Your Own Reality: It’s the Key to Happiness

In my book, I talk a good bit about “those who fail to embrace their own reality.”  These are the people who struggle with acceptance of their situations whether it is divorce, custody arrangements, employment, dating relationships or any other area of life.  I believe that the ability not only to accept your situation, but to embrace it is the only way you can begin to set and follow your own path and to find sustainable happiness.

What does it mean to embrace your reality?  It means that you accept what is.  It means you know who you are, where you are and what you want.  It means you recognize that the only one who can make you happy is you.  The only one who can change your life is you. That blame and anger only serve to defeat you, not the person you blame and have anger toward. 

Acknowledging your reality equates to having self- awareness.  It is a big part of happiness because when you lack it, you are fighting against where you actually are in your life.  You have to own your situation, because when you don’t, you cannot make effective change.  And then you have to embrace it.  The difference is important.  Acknowledging your reality allows you to understand, embracing gives you the power to change.

Let’s look at a few situations I have experienced and observed in the world of dating after divorce that taught me this lesson.

1.       The guy who repeatedly said, “My wife, I mean ex-wife.”  This guy has not accepted (much less embraced) the fact that he is divorced.  How can he move forward?  He can’t.  He is stuck.

2.      The guy who kept telling me what he lost in his divorce…his boat, his house, etc.  He is still angry.  He resents what happened.  As long as he holds on to that, he can’t make change.  And no one wants to be around someone who is angry and resentful.  The power to change is thwarted when you embrace your anger rather than accept your now.

3.      The guy whose profile listed his education as “college,” and upon meeting him answered a question about the nature of his degree with “technically, I didn’t finish college.”  Why?  Why misrepresent?  You are who you are and if someone doesn’t like it, it is their problem.  You have made it your problem by lying about it. 

4.      The woman who is so put upon by being a single mother that she feels entitled.  “I am a single mother, so I should have…”  Where is her power?  Does anyone “deserve?”  Or do you deserve what you work for when you take responsibility for your own life?

5.      The woman who is so angry that she tells anyone who will listen about the wrong she feels was done to her.  Where is her power?  Is she allowing her perception to control her future relationships rather than being determined to make her own happiness?

6.      The men and women who are victims of their own lives.  If you believe that everything that happens in your life is “done to you,” you have effectively given your power away.  Bad things happen.  Often they are not your fault.  But no matter whose fault they are, you have power in your reaction and in your determination to change your situation.  If you are not happy, you are not choosing to make a change. 

I experienced a divorce in which someone else made decisions that changed the course of my entire life without consulting me.  So believe me, I get feeling angry and frustrated by that.  There is a time when you need to allow yourself to feel that anger and frustration and then heal.  That time is not the time to date.  At this point, you are not a fully formed person.  You are broken and need time to put yourself back together.  The problem occurs when this brokenness becomes a way of life.  When you cling to the anger and frustration as a crutch and as an excuse not to move forward and get out there and redefine your path.  When I decided to embrace the fact that I was divorced, that I was raising three kids as a single mother, that I had to find a path that was very different from the one I had been on, I began to feel empowered.  I could decide what was next.  I could decide what kind of relationship I wanted.  I was in charge.  And I embraced that.  And when I embraced that, good things began to happen.  I love this phrase: If you don’t like where you are, move.  You are not a tree.  Words to live by.

This post first appeared on the blog at www.sweetenthedeal.com.  Please visit this site to find out more about my book chronicling my crazy dates and the lessons I learned along the way.

The Dirty Texter

So.  I was 23 when I got married for the first time.  It was 1994.  I do not think I had a cell phone at that time, and if I did, it wasn’t something I used regularly since it would have been clunky and expensive.  We called each other on a phone attached to a wall jack and we left messages on answering machines.  So when I found myself divorced at 33 and thinking about dating, some things had definitely changed. 

The advent of the readily available and affordable cell phone changed a lot about the process of dating.  As my friends were talking the other night about how cell phones have affected kids with sexting and being disconnected from what they say to people on the other end of a cell phone, I interjected, “It’s not just kids!”  That disconnect has affected everyone.  People will now say and text things they would never say to someone’s face. 

Let me introduce you to the Dirty Texter. 

This guy was a sports radio announcer in Alabama.  He was educated and employed.  He had a daughter.  He seemed normal.  He traveled fairly frequently, so the fact that I lived in Pensacola, FL (about 4 hours away from him) didn’t bother him.  He emailed me through a dating site and after several emails asked if he could call.  Our conversations were good.  He was funny and talkative and had some interesting experiences.  Communication was good…after all, he communicated for a living. 

He called a few times over the course of a week or two.  And then he began texting. 

Big Red Flag

At first there was nothing off about it.  But as he texted more and more, he started hinting at things that were not altogether appropriate coming from a total stranger. 

“Hey there…I can’t wait to kiss you.”

Ok.  Not overly bad, but how would you know?  You’ve never met me and I could be a nutjob.

“Hey.  What are you wearing?”

Huh.  Not exactly what I am interested in communicating with someone I don’t know.  I am still trying to figure out if I even wanted to meet this guy.

One time he began to text when I was driving, so I just called him.  I told him I was driving and couldn’t text.  Conversation was a bit stilted and he asked if he could call back in a few minutes.  I said that was fine.  By the time I got home and began putting laundry in the dryer, he started texting again.

“Hey, I would really love to give you a massage.”

Getting weirder.

“What?”

“I would love to give you a massage…with hot oils.”

I didn’t say anything at this point.

“With hot oils…rub them all over your body.”

Again, no response from me as my mind was reeling.  Was this a test?  Was he trying to see how I would respond?  Was he serious?  Did he think this was a good way to flirt?  Was this just a game he was playing and he wanted to see what he could get away with?  Many questions, no answers.  Having never really dated in the era of texting, I began to wonder if this was common…do people really think you can say these things to someone you’ve never met?  Apparently they do.  Because he did.

When I didn’t respond at all, he wrote again about an hour later.  He wanted to know if something was wrong.  I said, “yes.”  He didn’t know what it could be.  I told him I was not comfortable with him texting the things he was saying and that I didn’t even know him. 

“Well, I think you have some hang-ups that you need to get over.”

All I could say was, “You are right.  Let me get right on that.” 

There are red flags left and right in this little scenario.  And I was having none of it. 

1.       No one gets to text you things that make you feel uncomfortable.  Period.  If this is not your thing, it’s not your thing.  It is not a fault. 

2.      When you hint that something is not right for you by saying, “I don’t even know you” and the behavior continues, your feelings are being disregarded.  Run.

3.      When you tell someone you are uncomfortable and they accuse you of being at fault for your own discomfort, run fast and far.  You do not get to be blamed for someone else’s behavior.  The accuser is someone who does not take responsibility for his own actions.  BIG RED FLAG.

The job daters have, especially as daters for the second time around is to set boundaries and expectations and make sure that your deal breakers actually break your deal.  Otherwise, you are destined to make the same mistakes over and over again.  And remember the mantra, “I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.”  And mean it.

Please visit www.sweetenthedeal.com to find information about my book, Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid the Big Red Flags in Online Dating.  You will laugh at my stories and learn from my experiences!